It’s been very hot here in Ireland the past week, so I made a handy guide on what to do during a heatwave. (Disclaimer: this is satire. Common sense, people.)
- Dress lightly. Remove more layers of clothes as required until cool or until the police are called for public indecency. Also, keep your distance from schools and playgrounds.
- Drink lots of cold drinks. Cold drinks will help you keep cool and stay hydrated during hot weather, so drink plenty of them. Not tea. It’s too hot for tea. Oh who am I kidding, it’s never not time for tea and if anyone says otherwise, cut them from your life.
- It’s hard to sleep when it’s very hot. Remove the duvet. Remove the mattress. Remove the whole bed and just sleep on the floor. Ah, so cool.
- Instead of cooking your meat, eat it straight from the fridge for a cold treat! There’s also the off chance it will kill you, but then the heat won’t be a problem any more.
- Haunted houses are generally cold, so consider murdering someone on your property, or moving to an ancient Indian burial ground.
- Wear lots of sunblock. Put on sunblock for God’s sake. If you think you have enough, you probably don’t. Like, you should be sliding around like a seal, that’s how much you should have on. People, we are not stronger than the sun. It’s a literal FLOATING BALL OF FIRE that keeps us all alive but also gives you cancer sometimes. What a world.
- Open all the windows in your home to stay cool, but be prepared to fight approximately 200 insects. If you have hay fever, then you just have to decide if you want to be a puddle of phlegm or a puddle of sweat. In other words, fuck you.
- Conserve your energy. Instead of screaming into the Void, whisper softly, or send it a nice postcard instead.
- Cover your entire body with ice packs using sellotape. Frozen vegetables also work. As a substitute for ice packs, not sellotape.
- Buy some mosquito nets to keep out moths, spiders, and George Ezra. BEGONE, GUITAR MAN.
- Close the curtains during the day. This will help to keep your house cool, and will also hide your shame from the neighbours as you eat your third ice cream of the day, you sweaty mess.
- Wear lots of deodorant. The people reading this and thinking “I don’t need deodorant”, you are the people who absolutely do.
- Visit the beach! And just goddamn drown yourself in the ocean, return to the black depths whence life came and be at peace, far away from the reach of the scorching sun.
- Go to your local supermarket and set up camp in the freezer section until you are forcefully removed.
- Wear sunglasses. Outside, to protect your eyes from the sun. Inside, to look like an asshole.
- If you must have sex, first cover yourself and your partner in a generous amount of flour so you don’t stick together like two slices of shiny, glistening bacon.
- If you have long hair, TIE IT UP. Or just cut it. But if you do cut your hair because you’re too hot, you are weak and life WILL beat you down.
- Listen to Christmas songs. This isn’t even a joke; I feel cooler when I listen to Christmas songs. And happier. Or maybe I’ve just gone delirious with heat. Actually, just do this every once in a while in general.
- Children have water fights in hot weather. To avoid being one of their targets, you must assert dominance by beating them at their own game. Put your own water balloons in the freezer overnight to give yourself an advantage. Aim for their leader. Destroy him. The children will now recognise you as the alpha. Congratulations, you now have a gang. Use them to rob the ice cream man. You are now winning at summer.
Congratulations, you have now survived the heatwave. You’re welcome, Internet.
Til next time,