We’ve been having some great weather the past few weeks and it got me thinking about summer. I have mixed feelings. While everyone seems to love the (relatively) nice weather, the season also has a lot of low points. Here’s my official(-ish) guide to summer.
Wasps. If there is any definitive proof that there isn’t a god, it’s wasps. Or, there is a god, and he’s a twisted bastard. Wasps are angry yellow thumbtacks that are powered by hate and exist solely to terrorise you, reproduce, and die. Unlike bees, who are fluffy balls that literally keep the rest of us alive, and mind their own business.
Too damn hot! Most years, the Irish summer consists of just slightly warmer rain. However, every now and then we’ll have a heatwave (which for us, is anything over 20 degrees and that lasts for more than two days). As we’re used to such timid weather, we’re completely ill-equipped to deal with the heat. There’s little you can do to cool down, either. You can drink cold drinks and wear less clothes, but there’s a limit. If you’re cold you can stay adding layers until you’re warm. I can’t rip off my skin (although I have been tempted).
No more lonely nights. When we have a hot summer, every night we’re faced with a dilemma. Here’s what happens:
Window closed = too hot, can’t sleep.
Open window for 5 minutes = your room is now home to approximately 6 million bugs, there’s a spider sleeping in your bed, a moth is hogging the TV; it’s just a mess.
I love you, but don’t touch me. Summer is not a good time for people in relationships. The nights are hot enough on your own, but when you’re sharing a bed with someone you feel like you’re in bed with a radiator. I like to cuddle but dear Jesus, there’s nothing nice about putting your arms around someone when you’re both hot and sticky. Which reminds me, don’t even get me started on sex.
Don’t sweat it. I don’t know about you, but I’ve tried every antiperspirant under the sun (heh) and not a single one of them has stopped me from sweating. Any other time of year I can wear the same shirt two, maybe three days in a row. In summer, I go through around 20 shirts before breakfast.
Comfort or beauty? I have long hair, and I love my hair. However, hot weather makes me want to just go completely bald. It’s easy to have long hair when it’s cool out. Summer is when the commitment is really challenged. My head feels like it’s being cooked, and greenflies and spiders are constantly hitching a ride in my hair. But hey, at least I look good.
Hay, lovely weather we’re having. The worst thing about summer, by a mile, is hay fever. For anyone who doesn’t know, hay fever is when you’re allergic to pollen. What that means is that, in summer, I’m literally allergic to the outdoors. It’s far worse than people who don’t have it think it is – your nose won’t stop running, you keep sneezing, your eyes are constantly itchy and bloodshot. You know that scene from American Beauty with the rose petals? Now picture that, but with tissues. One year I asked a pharmacist if they had anything for hay fever and she laughed hysterically because she thought I had been crying by how watery my eyes were. How, after millions of years of natural selection, are some of us allergic to nature for a quarter of the year?
Cool couture. Maybe it’s personal preference, but I think everyone dresses better in the summer. Skirts, shorts, sundresses, hats; everyone just looks much more stylish. Maybe it’s the bright colours. And, of course, sunglasses. Everyone looks good in shades.
Sparks. One of the mild annoyances I have with summer is that I am constantly paranoid that when I touch a piece of metal, I’m going to get one of those annoying jolts. Am I the only one? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
Grand weather for the drying! In nice weather, Irish mammies just go mad with the washing. They’ll wash clothes that are never even worn, because the weather is too perfect not to be utilised for hanging clothes out to dry.
Farmer’s tan. For the love of God, wear sunblock, people! It’s not that expensive and it will prevent you from getting skin cancer. And lads, there’s nothing “girly” about applying sunscreen. Like…WHAT? Irish people don’t tan, we barbecue.
Drinking weather. I don’t know what it is, but warm, sunny weather makes me crave a nice cold cider. I don’t even drink a lot – summer just brings out the Irish stereotype in me. <<Insert overused bag of cans meme here>>
Communal complaining. One thing I love about summer is the bond you make with others via complaining about the weather. If it’s raining, you complain about the bad weather. If it’s warm, you complain about how hot it is. There’s no winning with us Irish people.
Teens. It’s a known fact that summer is just mating season for teenagers. Everywhere you look, there they are. They travel in herds, and you’ll find them in abundance at the local watering holes (i.e. the town park). Like wasps, they die out after summer, to be replaced the following summer by the newly acne-stricken teens.
Doggos! I think this one is fairly self-explanatory. In the summer, a lot of people walk their dogs. More dogs = more happiness. PSA if it’s too hot for you it’s absolutely too hot for your dog, don’t walk them. Also, a few ice cubes in their water bowl is great for cooling them down.
Ray of sunshine. I may not be the biggest fan of summer, but I can’t deny the simple fact that nice weather makes me happier. All that serotonin tells your brain to be happy, and because the weather is nice, you can actually go out and do stuff with your friends, which makes you even happier!
This has been an official(-ish) guide to summer. Thanks for reading!
Your (sweaty) friend,
Sean (With a Fada)